When you grow up in a Mexican household there are some things that are inevitable. Things that just exist. Things that are fact.
Purple Fabuloso. Una veladora. A calendar from a local panaderia that is always three months behind. Drunk adults crying at kids parties. El Buki’s voice playing somewhere. (Little know fact: If you clean a Marco Antonio Solis CD with Purple Fabuloso, Jesus appears)
The final constant? Novelas. Novelas all up in ya crib bruh.
From way back when the lady on the box of Chocolate Abuelita was taking light bulb exploding selfies at a carnival in some pueblo in Morelia when she was 16…to present day “Que onda mija…novelas and chill…or nah?”… Our living rooms have been possess by these TV dramas.
We are creatures of habit. We learn. Adapt. The Aztecs used to get high, eat peyote and look at the stars and shit. Boom. The Aztec Calendar was born. Greatness. Legendary. I tried doing the same. All I got to show for it is this blog 🙁
8 THINGS NOVELAS TAUGHT US:
1. The volume on the TV should be set at “Gangsta Rap in a Hummer” levels for best results. I’m pretty sure the TV automatically raises it’s own volume when a Novela comes on. A pre setting of sorts. Never been in a Latino household where the Novela isn’t playing through surround sound. Soon as the Novela finishes and the news comes on “bajale a la televisión…que no escuchan? Parecen sordos!!”
2. Your momma loves you. She’d fight Ronda Rousey, the Sinaloa Cartel, “I’m here to fuck your wife” Tyrone, la llorona and all your exes if she had to. This is fact. But I need you to understand this. If your mom is watching her Novela…YOUR MOMMA GIVES ZERO FUCKS ABOUT YOU! Don’t believe me? Try having a near death experience while she’s watching her show. Try telling her you love pops new girl better. Try throwing her Tupperware out the window. Try burning Las Tortillas. Try setting yourself on fire. Better piss on yourself. Cause moms ain’t hearing it homie.
(you better bring back the Tupperware before commercials though. Don’t die over my blog)
3. The good guy in the Novela has at least three middle names. Jose Manuel Carlos Victorino de la Cruz. That dude. He’s in love with the good girl. She’s dope but mad sensitive and gullible. His side bitch is the evil chick. The evil chick is hot but can lift up one eyebrow on its own. On FLEEK. That’s Satan shit. She’s also killed at least 17 characters in the Novela. No evidence. She doesn’t work but Gucci all day. The bad guy wants the good girl and will join forces with the evil chick with the eyebrow to get her. He’ll fight the dude with at least three middle names throughout the shit. (every novela summed up) sazz
4. Nobody poops in novelas. Ever. No washroom break. In the world of novelas nobody gets chorro bruh.
5. The evil chick with the eyebrow has a maid. Treats her like shit. The maid has a secret. Either the good guy or the good girl is her child. Nobody knows. Except the evil chick with the eyebrow. Osea, Satan.
6. In a novela you can eavesdrop a conversation four feet away behind a plant…and nobody will see you. #RealFacts
7. The most important part of a Novela is not the actual Novela. Not THAT actual episode. It’s when the Novela finishes and they give you a 15 second preview of tomorrow’s episode. If you like taking risks and crazy experiences try changing the channel during those 15 seconds. Watch grandma turn into El Cochiloco on ya ass mi Benny.
8. Your momma swears. Cusses. Curses. MENTADAS DE MADRE. Maybe she usually does. All good. If you think she doesn’t cuss at all…stand four feet away behind a plant and eavesdrop while she watches her Novela. “PERO QUE PERRA! OJALA YA MATEN A ESA HIJA DE LA CHINGADA CON SU EVEBROW ON FLEEK!!”
This is life.