I think ICE, Border Patrol and the racist lady who screamed in Lupillo Rivera’s face run the Lotto. Robben and the Netherlands fútbol team did some foul shit to those little Lotto balls. Brujería. NO ERA PENAL! They just don’t let Mexicans win BIG in the lotto.
Every year the lotto gets up to a ridiculous amount a few times. Every year Univision goes to a ghetto gas station to interview someone buying loosies with pennies…asking them what they would do with all that money. “No pues una casita pa mi ama, me voy a mi rancho, me compro una pickup y la colección de discos de Los Yonics.” And every year the winner is an 86 year old white man from Wyoming that hates Mexicans but his hands look like tortillas. “El mundo da muchas vueltas”
You’ll never see a dude named Jose, Federico or Renato Gonzalez show up at the Lottery Winning press conference with a Tejana and a Virgen de Guadalupe t shirt with “Tamaulipas” written on the bottom. You know why?
“Dios no le da alas a los alacranes” – my mom
You don’t wanna see a Mexican win the lottery. At least you don’t wanna see THIS Mexican win the lottery. ME.
I won’t even find out I won the lottery until like 4 days later when I’m buying a 89¢ strawberry slurpee at the gas station. Scan my ticket and lose my mind. Face looking like the Laura En America lady. Rip off my shirt and celebrate like Hulk Hogan just won the belt. Then proceed to Olympic power walk my way out.
If I won the lottery? Smh.
It’ll be the first press conference with a taquero, a Tamborazo and a DJ. Carmen Salinas and Don Cheto hosting…sponsored by Goya and Boost Mobile. Smh.
My speech will be impeccable. Well, pretty much I’ll just thank the haters, my jefita y el rancho de mi apa. Then I’ll retire. I hate when people win the lottery and say “nothing will change, tomorrow I will be at work like always” Shiiiiiiiit. I once won a free Sundae playing Monopoly McDonald’s and took two and a half days off. So you better believe that after I take that giant cardboard check to cash at a currency exchange on 18th St I’m gonna begin the greatest winning streak ever.
Mom’s gets whatever she wants. Meaning them Novela actors are performing live in her living room. Commercials too. Rachel Ray and Rick Bayless making her breakfast. All while Walter Mercado’s on the couch telling her she’s gotta stay positive…then he’ll give her an ojo de venado pa los haters
There’s a lot of issues that are important to us as a community, as Latinos and as young Mexican leaders. I will do my part by single handedly ripping the biggest plague in our neighborhood straight from the root.
I will purchase EVERY single pair of pajama pants on the market and in production. And burn them while Jesus himself sheds a tear.
I’m tired of you bitches walking around in public with pajama pants.
I do idiotic shit NOW and that’s without funding. Becoming rich will not hide this…it will more than likely highlight my pendejas. You see us Mexicans are like the Sparta of buying shit we don’t need. 300.
YOU think I’m buying things I don’t need. I think this Horchata fountain
in my bedroom is essential. So is the Hennessy flavored ice machine #Genius
Wing Stop in my kitchen. Bat Mobile and Delorian with Flux capacitor in my garage. Big ass fish tank with Free Willy in it. Gucci garbage bags. Smh. Salma Hayek in my pool. Mannn.
Might show up at the airport with no luggage. Might throw a dart at the globe to decide where I’m going to fly…Just for breakfast. Might reenact Blood in Blood Out with friends for fun. Might re film La Bamba so Ritchie doesn’t die at the end. Might have Pacquiao and Mayweather bare knuckle box in my yard. Might have a Chalino hologram for my birthday party. Might ride a horse with wifi every Wednesday. Smh.
Mo money mo problems. Women problems. Chingados.
Btw, thanks to everyone who loaned me money. Broke Juan owes you money. Rich Juan owes you nothing. Rich Juan is drunk in Brazil and does not give a Fuck about you.
No more sound system in my car. I’m a just have Los Bukis performing in the back seat. Salma Hayek loves them #levels
And all of this will be done a million miles under the influence.
You see, this is why Mexicans can’t win the lottery. Not cause of you or the millions of kind hearted people out there. No. It’s cause of ME.
You can’t have Pinche Juanito wearing a Zapatista mask at a Martha Stewart party. Smh.
Meanwhile let me flourish on scratch off tickets. And I’m shooting 93% from the field at Mexican Lotería. Let me #BeGreat